The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards

What kind of choices have we made that we can now see changed the course of our lives (and we might have done differently had we known)? What do you think about the lies and what they cause?

We had an interesting conversation about the book The Memory Keeper’s Daughter* by Kim Edwards. David makes a decision to give Phoebe, who has Downs Syndrome, to his nurse, Caroline, at birth based on a fear that Phoebe will die young like his sister did (of a heart defect). He saw the effect his sister’s death had on his mother, and he didn’t want this to happen to his wife, Norah or their new son, Phoebe’s twin, Paul. What begins as fear becomes self-punishment. David sees his wife have affairs and believes he deserves it for not telling Norah that Phoebe didn’t die afterall. He accepts a whole bunch of miserable things in his life as his “punishment.” Even though he has opportunities, his fear keeps him from ever telling Norah the truth.

“Control” seemed to be a large theme in the book. Norah was “out of control” and kept “testing fate” when she would get very drunk and drive recklessly. Caroline is ultra organized and is on a steady path in life, until she receives Phoebe and then her “true role” in life emerges which throws all her “smooth and steady” out the window. She picks up, moves, lives in a motel, looks for a job, and starts a new life as a single mom with a baby who has Downs. Paul is very focused in wanting his musical career, life is fluid like his music, but he seems to WANT to be out of control. He hangs with a crowd who does drugs, he plays “chicken” on the train tracks, he runs away for days. And then there is David, who is Mr. Control. After growing up in poverty, he seems to want everything to go his way. He did not have enough courage to cross over to the unknown (but Caroline had enough courage for the both of them)

Another theme seemed to be “What’s superficial” and “What’s really important.” Norah seemed meek and mild in the beginning and then she transforms after the incident with the wasps and forms her own business. David seemed to be attracted to her superficial meekness (maybe that’s why he didn’t hook up with Caroline, because Caroline was organized and mature). He even photographs her body as a “landscape” – how much more sexist and superficial can you get (the female body as a “thing”). David thinks he can keep control through secrets. He thinks he can have a relationship with Paul based on stereotypical father/son events (like fishing) which Paul hates. He doesn’t become involved in Paul’s love of music until it’s too late. He wants to fix things on the surface without doing any deep work at getting to know and understand people. He seems to have worked all his life to get out of poverty and now didn’t want to work hard anymore. We felt compassion even though we were angry at him.

We asked ourselves, “Would we give birth to a child with Downs?” Phoebe brought so much joy into Norah’s life. There is also something wonderful about the constant positive outlook with which Phoebe approached the world. Phoebe had so much love and happiness to give. In some ways, her “superficialness” IS her “deepness” with this disability, she is all these good things and it forced us as the reader to think about what is really important in life. The book reminded us to enjoy the moment because you never know when you’ll die or life will change. Life is precarious, our health may be gone at any minute. A child may have an accident and be in a similar mental state as Phoebe. There are no guarantees.

We thought a little about the medicine. Phoebe was born the same year as me so I was somewhat aware of what was going on in the world – segregated schools based on race AND disability, x-rays used on pregnant women, no fathers in the birthing rooms until the early 70’s. The changes were apparent – sonograms, education for all, and groups homes with life skills.

As a side conversation, we talked about “weird” things that happen in places where people are poor. Amy shared some stories from her work in Appalachia and the incidence of disabilities. Poverty affects one from birth to death, from prenatal medical care to whether your family can receive death benefits, and all the career and educational opportunities in between.

QUESTIONS from a website:
1. When David hands his baby girl over to Caroline and tells Norah that she has died, what was your immediate emotional reaction? At this early point, did you understand David's motivations? Did your understanding grow as the novel progressed?

2. David describes feeling like "an aberration" within his own family (p. 7) and describes himself as feeling like "an imposter" in his professional life as a doctor (p. 8). Discuss David's psyche, his history, and what led him to make that fateful decision on the night of his children's birth.

3. When David instructs Caroline to take Phoebe to the institution, Caroline could have flatly refused or she could have gone to the authorities. Why doesn't she? Was she right to do what she did and raise Phoebe as her own? Was Caroline morally obligated to tell Norah the truth right from the beginning? Or was her moral obligation simply to take care of Phoebe at whatever cost? Why does she come to Norah after David's death?

4. Though David wanted no part of her, Phoebe goes on to lead a full life, bringing much joy to Caroline and Al. Her story calls into question how we determine what kind of life is worth living. How would you define such a life? In contrast to Phoebe's, how would you describe the quality of Paul's life as he grew up?

5. Throughout the novel, the characters often describe themselves as feeling as if they are watching their own lives from the outside. For instance, David describes the moment when his wife is going into labor and says "he felt strangely as if he himself were suspended in the room . . . watching them both from above" (p. 10). What do you think Edwards is trying to convey here? Have you ever experienced similar feelings in your own life?

6. There is an obvious connection between David and Caroline, most aptly captured by a particular moment described through David's point of view: "Their eyes met, and it seemed to the doctor that he knew her—that they knew each other—in some profound and certain way" (p. 12). What is the significance of this moment for each of them? How would you describe the connection between them? Why do you think David married Norah and not Caroline?

7. After Norah has successfully destroyed the wasps' nest, Edwards writes that there was something happening in Norah's life, "an explosion, some way in which life could never be the same" (p. 139). What does she mean, and what is the significance of Norah's "fight" with these wasps?

8. When David meets Rosemary (p. 267) it turns out to be a cathartic experience for him. What is it about her that enables David to finally speak the truth? Why does he feel compelled to take care of her?

9. The secret that David keeps is enormous and ultimately terribly destructive to himself and his family. Can you imagine a circumstance when it might be the right choice to shield those closest to you from the truth?

10. What do you think Norah's reaction would have been if David had been honest with her from the beginning? How might Norah have responded to the news that she had a daughter with Down's Syndrome? How might each of their lives have been different if David had not handed Phoebe to Caroline that fateful day?